Here's what I know... Women pay attention to patterns of behaviour

Did you ever notice that women keep track of everything specific thing that goes on in a dating situation and men remember things more generally.

Here's what I know...

(1) Women pay attention to every little thing that happens when she is dating and she microanalyzes all of it with her friends. She knows she shouldn't do this because this is always when "her crazy" starts to rear it's ugly head, but most women can't help it.

(2) As soon as a woman "likes likes" a guy, she gets nervous that it's all going to blow up, and is constantly searching for the slightest little thing that might alert her to the fact that things are going awry, so she can be mentally prepared. When the patterns stay constant, this keeps her calm.

(3) The most common thing a woman will microanalyze is a man's pattern of behaviour- he wrote long flowing emails all last week and only one word answers this week or he made sure to ask me out 6 days in advance last week, but this week it was only the day before and then try to make the change mean "something."

(4) Immediately when a pattern of behaviour changes, a woman believes that you have changed how you feel about her and has a hard time believing that you couldn't call her or email her for 24 hours because you were crazed at work or you didn't call her when you got home from a guy's night because you passed alone, not with a bodacious blond!

(5) Women tend to keep their pattern of behaviour observations to themselves and to their "council of friends" until they can't take it anymore and then they will hit you with "the laundry list" which will always scare the crap out of you because most days, you can't remember if you put on clean socks.

(6) If you like a girl, try to stay consistent with her and if you need to change your behaviour for legitimate reasons, just clue her in. "Just wanted to let you know that I have a presentation on Friday so I won't be able to see you for the next few nights." "I am going out with my derelict college buddies, who I only see one time a year, and I will probably get wasted and pass out." Or "I am not a big sleep-over during the week guy, but I can learn." Communication can save her a lot of anxiety and save you from a big unnecessary blow-up!

Here's what I know... how to survive Valentine's Day

If you had to admit it, aren't you just a wee bit nervous about tonight?

Here's what I know...

(1) Plan to act surprised and excited; "act" being the operative word. Even if you know where you are going tonight because you snooped in his blackberry, feign surprise when you arrive there. And even if you have been to his restaurant choice 15 other times, pretend to be excited when you get there; after all this is the first time you are going there with him. He will be crestfallen if you act any other way.

(2) Keep how many cute gifts you schlep to the restaurant to a minimum. No sense looking like a tourist for christ sake. Plus keep in mind that it's only V-Day not his first Christmas!

(3) Dress sexy tonight; it is a dress or a skirt night, girls! Even if it snows, don that sexy dress, and let him see that you are putting forth the effort.

(4) Wear sexy lingerie or at very least matching bra and panties. You are going to get action tonight and just like you wouldn't want to end up joining the mile high club with unshaven legs, the same applies to lingerie of V-Day!

(5) You need to be prepared to "eww and ahhh" about his attempt at romance, no matter what. If you don't, he will never try again and certainly some effort is better than no effort!!

(6) Plan on being frisky. V-Day is the best foreplay so keep in mind that tonight is not the night to have a headache, skimp on the BJ or have to check on the kids.

Here's what I know... Rules for Valentine's Day gifts for MEN

Are you a little overwhelmed trying to figure out the right gifts to get your honey this year for Valentine's Day?

Here's what I know...

(1) Men prefer practical and useful over sentimental. He would rather get a new wallet than "personalized post-its' with your names on them or a heart frame with a photo of the two of you for his bedside.

(2) Men get freaked out by too much cute. He will be okay with one cute card, he will think his head is exploding if you get him eight! He will be okay with one Valentinesy stuffed animal thing but he will break up with you immediately if he comes home to an animal kingdom of red and pink sleeping on his bed!

(3) Men prefer sexy to raunchy. Yes, not a bad gift idea to get yourself sexy lingerie, greet him at the door in it and give him a gift certificate for an erotic 1 hour massage. Very bad gift idea to greet him at the door in a dominatrix outfit, black nails, black lipstick and nipple rings, unless he is into that kind of stuff and then it's probably not a gift because you are already doing that!

(4) Men like gadgets- this is a easy gift, it's safe and he will appreciate it. Find him an accessory for his Ipod or just look on the Sharper Image site-there will be something there.

(5) Togetherness gifts are not good gifts for men. A romantic couples massage class or tickets to a Broadway show are gifts girls like, not guys! Buy him something that he will enjoy himself and something you might not even like.

(6) Get the opinion of one of your MALE friends about your gifts and cards BEFORE you give them to your guy, so that your friend can approve them and confirm to you that come Sunday morning you will still have a boyfriend!

Here's what I know... Guys are intimidated by Valentine's Day

Did you ever notice that when you talk to a guy about Valentine's Day, he will say that it is a girl holiday or just a Hallmark holiday and he doesn't believe in it????

Here's what I know...

(1) Valentine's Day has been scaring the be-jesus out of men for centuries.

(2) Men know that V-Day is the day they have to step up and be a little romantic- it's like when they have to sing karaoke when they have a terrible voice- if everyone is doing it, they have to as well.

(3) Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to do V-day "exactly right" and as a result most of the time they do it exactly wrong!

(4) Men don't believe their girl when she says that "it's the thought that counts" and that they don't need to do anything fancy. They don't believe her because they have "lived through" torturous Valentine's days in the past.

(5) Men don't really give a crap about Valentine's Day even if they say they do. It's like when they feign excitement about going to the opera, the dentist or a Barry Manilow concert. Hence, any effort they put forth, any effort at all, a gal should be excited about and should praise.

(6) Men can't write gushy poems, they just can't, so don't expect one and be happy if he buys you are card and signs "love." Yes, we have all heard a guy read a poem that he supposedly wrote for his girl at a wedding or birthday party, but chances are, his best female friend or his sister wrote it or he copied it off the Internet; trust me, he didn't write it himself!

Here's what I know... Women need romance on Valentine's Day

Are you a little nervous about how to romance your gal on Valentine's Day?

Here's what I know...

(1) Women love Valentine's Day and will be very upset and disappointed if you don't do something.

(2) Chances are you will never be as romantic as she wants you to be, so just try your best to be sweet.

(3) Spend time thinking about THE SPECIFIC GIRL you are dating and what she likes. Don't go buy her what your ex- girlfriend liked or what your sister would like. Buy her something she specifically would like.

(4) Be creative and thoughtful. Most women prefer this to expensive impersonal gifts. (Although a splurge gift is nice to as long as its from the heart!)

(5) Make sure you get her a Card. She is expecting one and if you don't get her one, this will cause a fight. You don't have to go all mushy, even a funny one is fine; just get one!

(6)Keep in mind that she is hoping you won't screw up but at the same time, she is actually expecting you to screw up. This is a good thing for you because the bar is very low. Just try to be romantic and she will notice and appreciate the effort!

Here's what I know- You need to juggle all your ladies "well" on Valentine's Day

Are you one of those people who is dating more than one person right now and you are a bit panicked about how to handle Valentine's Day?

Here's what I know...

(1) Women love Valentine's Day, so you better figure out a way to "pay homage" to all your ladies this Saturday.

(2) You don't have to feel guilty about dating more than one person as long as you remember all of them on Valentine's Day.

(3) You either need to see a woman on Valentine's Day or send her something sweet. If you do nothing, you will surely end up in the doghouse.

(4) It's okay to have one woman who is your "A game" and who you want to see on Saturday night. Just make sure you cover your tracks so you don't wind up getting into trouble with all the others.

(5) Don't overdo it, out of guilt, i.e., don't write a lovey dovey card or send her 6 different presents just because you feel guilty that you told a little white lie about your plans on the big day. This will just lead her on for no reason.

(6) The women you are dating might be dating other guys as well. Hence, they actually might be fine with not having plans with you on Saturday night as long as you made a nice romantic gesture towards her in lieu of plans!

Here's what I know...A guy won't email you back until he knows when he can see you next

Did you ever notice that if a guy doesn't know when he can see you next, he just doesn't answer your email at all???

Here's what I know...

(1)Most girls can answer part of an email- focus on a section and leave the other section until later, most guys cannot.

(2)Most girls think it's proper to answer an email in a timely fashion, if only to say that she doesn't have the answer to a question right now; most guys would never admit not having that answer, they will just wait to email back until they have the answer

(3)Most girls will actually write in an email that she isn't sure when she can get together and that will get back to the guy at a later time when she does know; most guys won't do that, they don't think there is any value in saying something this.

(4)Most guys don't see the value in idle chitchat with a girl that he just started to date until he has figured out in his head when he can see her next. Girls love idle chitchat.

(5)Most guys don't realize that a girl will determine with 10 of her girlfriends that if a guy doesn't email back right away, he is no longer interested. Most guys refrain from getting their guy friends opinions especially about emails.

(6)Most guys don't realize that a girl will "kind of" not make plans for the weekend until she knows whether there is any remote possibility that she can see the guy she likes. Many times she will even end up plan-less for the whole weekend because she was waiting. She shouldn't be waiting, but she always does!

(7)Most girls would like guys to realize all of the above or at least try to realize!

Here's what I know...Kissing is the most important thing

Did you ever notice that if the kiss sucks, then the game is over???

Here's what I know...

(1)The kiss is the prelude to all things sexual.

(2) The kiss can be more sexual than sex.

(3)Women love to make-out for hours, so do men... in the beginning, but then they get over it real fast!

(4)Kissing gives women butterflies more than any other sexual activity. The kiss is what will make her have a smile on her face tomorrow at 3pm when she is thinking about you.

(5)Bad breath can cause a kiss not to happen but if you go for it anyway, bad breath goes away once you are kissing. Yuck, I know.

(6)Some people kiss well immediately, other people need to get used to each other. Don't be discouraged if it isn't perfect instantaneously- if you focus, you can change that baby right away.

(7)People can follow your rhythm if you are a good kisser. It's like dancing!

Here's what I know...Texting is ruining good dating

Have you ever been in a circumstance where you literally don't utter one verbal word to a person with whom you are going on a date until you see them live on the date??

Here's what I know...

(1)Texting is meant to supplement calls and dates, not replace them.

(2)If you met someone and you are planning to take them out, you need to log in a call, even for 5 minutes just to say hello before the date.

(3)Regardless of how busy you think you are, you are no busier than anyone else out there; if they have time to talk to you, you should have time to talk to them.

(4)There is no substitute for verbal banter.

(5)Girls assume that if you really like them, you would find time to pick up the phone and call. Hence, if you really do like them, you are doing yourself a disservice by not calling.

(6)People find text abbreviations annoying and hard to understand. Old fashioned chatting from time to time just might be easier.

Here's what I know...Bad party pick-up etiquette

I couldn't help but observe some god-awful "party pick-up etiquette." God awful...


So here's what I know...

(1) If... you are standing right next to a girl for more than 5 minutes and she doesn't give you a smile, or a look, let alone a glance in your direction, she is either fully not interested in talking to you or super immature and playing the high school game. (And if you are 40 plus, you should not be interested in playing that high school game back!)

(2)If... you know you are a pretty damn good story teller, and you are telling a pretty damn good story, and the girl you are trying to pick-up is blackberrying the whole time you are speaking, she is either fully not interested or again, super high school immature. And again, you should move on!

(3)If... your only way of getting a girl to stick around to talk to you is by buying her a drink and you know that as soon as that drink comes, she is going to "have to" go to the bathroom, don't waste your money- times are tough these days. And if you do buy the drink anyway and she does walk away immediately, accept that you were a sucker and try not to let it happen again!

"Sup"?!

Just a thought... If you had to guess whether or not a 30-something single girl would want a guy who she just started dating and hadn't heard from in several days to text her at 11 o clock at night and just write one word to her, "Sup", what would you guess??

I mean what the hell does"Sup" mean anyway? Does this guy think he is some hip-hop, gangster guy and he is trying to say "What's up" not just as "Whassup?" but now even cooler?

Hello... how about considering your audience- a 30-something single girl, living on the upper east side, who wears Jimmy Choos and DVF-does he really think that this girl would relate to, appreciate or understand the word "Sup"?! Especially at 11pm at night, especially when she was hoping for a litle more encouragement!

What is he stuck in a 50 cent video?

Ever heard of... "Hey, how are you?" Ever heard of plain old "Hi." Girls aren't so picky these days; they just wants words they can find in Websters. Remember Websters?

Hmmm... just a thought.

A thought... The lone guy in the corner

I went to a party last night; it was one of those "fashion" parties at the Brooks Brothers store on 44th St. It was sponsored by Town and Country magazine and was for Ovarian cancer research. Beautiful party, such a pretty store, good food, but somehow they forgot to invite men. In terms of the ratio of women to men, without exaggeration, probably 90 women to every 1 man; typical of these fashion parties.

And the irony of all ironies, I noticed this one guy, very handsome and well dressed, no ring and no apparent affectation, sitting on a chair, in the corner, reading the Town and Country magazine, ALONE, even with his odds stacked SO high for meeting a woman. He literally was just sitting alone. My first thought- he's gay; it would make sense considering that he was so well dressed and at a party with almost all women. My second thought, he's in a relationship/married and his girlfriend is mingling and he is sitting waiting for her, sort of like a man does when he's dragged shoe shopping at Barneys on the weekend. My third thought- maybe he's available and overwhelmed by all the ladies.

So... this made me wonder... do men actually get intimidated when they are surrounded by SO many women??? I always thought that men are like kids in the candy store and they want so many women to choose from- but is there a time or a number when so many is too many? For example, if a man had 5 to choose from, could he handle that, but 97, would that just be too many???

And then, what about the women- if they are at a party of this sort with very few men, do they just write off their chances of meeting a man that night? Or could it be that meeting that one hot guy might even be easier in a circumstance like last night- where he was alone and available for the taking???

Yet given this backdrop, lonely boy (to coin Gossip girl) was still all alone; he didn't approach and no one approached him. It was a crazy notion, especially because he was really handsome. So... I did what any self respecting matchmaker and sociable person could possibly do... I approached him.

Sure enough- fully single, not gay, double Ivy educated, good job, philanthropic, runs the marathon and most importantly, so happy to have been approached.

Moral of the story... just say hi to the lone guy in the corner... you never know!